It’s been almost a year since I started writing this blog, wow where does the time go??? It’s been a year of some very happy times and some very unhappy times for us.. Four members of my family have passed on, my godmother Ruth, my great-aunt Lorna, my beloved grandma Shirley, and my great-uncle Norman (uncle Digger as lot of us called him). I have also had a lot of family conflict with my mom, brother and a few others in this side of the family. My mom relationships has always been rocky, but this last year has been the worst ever. It was hard for me to be around them without knowing what to say or not to say… We have disagreed on a lot of thing’s having to do with other members of the family.. A lot of the problem is that we are both have sick with different thing’s and it makes it hard to talk without getting upset, and sometimes over the most dumbest thing’s. I have felt very insecure in my relationship with her, I feel like I have been replaced by someone she has been talking about all year. The summer with us was ok, since the Dr. thought my Sarcoid was in remission and I felt good and decided to not let any of the thing’s to bother me, but after I got sick again, well thing’s changed.. A lot changed after my grandma passed away. I have felt very guilty about a lot of the time I felt I missed spending with her. I know she had lots of other family members there taking care of her, I just wish I had been a part of it. I looked forward to sending her Christmas presents this year. I was always looking around for books for her, she loved to read and we would get or I would make sugar-free thing’s she and grandpa could eat.. I still cry a lot when I think about all of it..
Back to my mom’ s stuff.. I just don’t know what to do, right now we are not speaking and if thats’ what they want, I guess that’s most likely the best thing right now. the comments I got after my very angry Christmas post (which I removed because I didn’t what it there) were from a person that I know, and is close to my mom.. Ray and I didn’t go anywhere for Thanksgiving this year and to be honest I really liked it. I had no one expecting anything from me, nor did I have to do a lot of cleaning and cooking, which for a change was nice for me. It’s partly because of my illness that I felt that way and grieving over loosing my grandmother that week. I didn’t want to go anywhere for Christmas either, I just wanted to stay home. When my mom called about coming over for Christmas and making up the menu, at first I hesitated, but gave in. Since we haven’t been really getting along I just didn’t want to be there and have more conflict. I now wish I hadn’t been there, things are worse than ever.. Lets start with the menu planning idea she had. I thought well ok I’ll look in my favorite Christmas book I have and just use the menu I had planned on making earlier in the year. Here’s what I sent her: It is called “Keeping Christmas”, Acorn squash soup, peach aspice with cream cheese dressing, spinach salad with warm dressing, candid ginger biscuits, standing rib roast with madeira mushroom gravy, roast turkey glazed with honey, corn bread dressing in grape leaves, sour cream giblet gravy, caramelized new potatoes, corn-stuff tomatoes, green beans with dill sauce, and pumpkin-apple pie. I also was making a rum cake and several different cookies. Mom didn’t like most of what I had here, only the turkey, potatoes and the salad idea. She said she and others would not eat any of the other dishes I mentioned. I thought why did you ask me if you just wanted to make what you wanted anyway??? I think thing’s would have been different if they had just asked us to come over that day and not worry about cooking anything, just come over and be with us and spend Christmas with us.. I would have loved that instead of planning anything and if I wanted to make something go ahead and do that, just let them know so it wouldn’t get duplicated. She forgot to mention that my aunt had wanted to make a roast and age it or do something special with it I can’t remember what for sure right now, and we always have my grandma’s orange jello salad and I had just assumed that she would bring it, I just forgot to list it in the menu I sent her. Dinner wouldn’t be the same without it.. Mom had been asking me all week to please come early to help with the recipes she wanted to make and we would open Christmas present’s, I thought that would be nice to have time with just them before everyone got there. We got there around 10am and a car was already there. I am going to be honest right now, I don’t like this couple, this is the lady I feel like mom has let her replace me… Mom and her were wearing matching outfits and they were doing all the stuff that normally Ray and I would do. Setting the table helping in the kitchen ect.. I felt very left out and alone.. I could hardly get into the kitchen to make the items that I had volunteered to come over and make that day. I was making the ginger biscuits, green beans, corn bread dressing (which got burned and was awful, because of oven issues), and the corn-stuffed tomatoes. I had been awake until 3am working on the cake and the cookies, and I was very tired.. The only thing I managed to make was the dressing, after I was done I went and sat on the couch and fell asleep. When people starting coming over I was kinda wake, and they started opening presents. I was to tired and upset to open any of them, so I had Ray open them. Which I know only made my mom mad at me.. When they said it was time for dinner, I decided I wanted to go home and sleep and I had a very bad stomach-ache. My head was pounding, my eyes were burning and I was on the verge of crying.. So I thought it best if we just went home.. Later that day after I had slept awhile I posted very angry message here which was in part of because of how I felt and was feeling very left out that day.. The next day I thought I didn’t want that post there, it was written in anger and wasn’t a good thing to have here. That’s why today after thinking about what had happened I thought I would write in more detail, since my head is a bit more clear.. I was so sick Christmas day and after that I couldn’t even go see my dad which really upset me.. He drives truck and I haven’t seen him in a while, I was looking forward to spending some time with him and my stepmom… I left Christmas day angry, feeling left out and very sick.. The next day my dishes that I had left, which Ray was going to pick them up, were left outside my door along with all the cookies I had on them. Ray asked me when he got home if mom had called me? I said no why, and that’s when he said the dishes were outside. I was home all day and the doorbell didn’t ring and they never knocked on the door, just left them outside in the cold raining day.. Nice of them wasn’t it??? Later that day I got the message I was talking about, and all I will say is that is was very uncalled for and mean.. I also got one the day after.. Now my mom has blocked me from calling her and the only reason I know this is because I just wanted to send a Happy New Year text message and I can tell my number has been blocked, so now I can only assume that so has their home phone and if I send a card it would come back to me.. I guess she wanted me replaced, now she has replaced me with someone else.. Ok that’s fine mom I can’t stop you from doing what you want, I know writing this here is the only way you will hear anything from me.. So for now we will go our separate ways mom and I will not post anything more about all this.. If I have left anything out, I am sorry, I am getting tired and need to go sleep for now..